Actually, it begins in early spring. I had to come home early from school. I was having serious problems with my depression, looking more and more like bipolar, and handling medication and school. It was the best thing at the time and I was very strongly impressed that it would be the best decision. However, I was extremely angry at myself for not being able to fix my problems. I was frustrated with God that, after I had tried and tried for such a long time, I had not yet found a solution, nor had He yet shown me how this would in any way help me and strengthen my life. I was also angry at people who judged me for the choice I made.
I remember vividly praying one night for Heavenly Father to send me someone. I needed a friend. I needed someone to help me to be happy. A friend, or even significant other, that I could learn to love. I needed to feel love in my life. I was able to recognize that was something I couldn't do at the time. I was so void of any emotion I could not even cry, even when I tried to make the tears come because I wanted to feel something.
It was only a matter of days, I kid you not, days, that I became much closer to someone I had only recently met and did not know much about. This person was well-liked by everyone that I talked to that knew this person. I was very impressed. One particular day, we struck up a conversation on a more personal level and found a few not-so-common common interests. I was even more impressed. You could say shocked. I didn't expect this person to be like that. More and more over the next few days and months, we talked and found fun in sharing our interests and talents with each other. I quickly began to trust this person. I loved everything I learned about this person, even some things that might bother other people. After we would hang out, I came home in a good mood.
Like in most friendships, there were some unfortunate things that happened. Still on trial and error from medications, my moods were all over the place. I was still to a large degree feeling so awful that I didn't care how I made other people feel for the most part. Misery loves company kind of concept... But I am to blame. Not my medication. I felt incredibly ....humbled. when this person continued to accept me and be my friend and be there for me. I couldn't recall that kind of character in many people in my life. Not many at all. Maybe three.
Unfortunately, this person's life was not peechie keen either. I have my suspicions and concerns that this person was dealing with some problems similar to mine, though I didn't want to say so out loud. Among other things, I kept wondering how I could be of some help, why perhaps our friendship wasn't as strong as it had been before, and why certain things were done and said. I turned to God and to another person for some help. I cared so much about this friend that I had, in my perception, prayed to Heavenly Father to send to me. And there was some fear and pride in me still. I didn't want to lose the happiness that this person added to my life. I didn't want to go back to how I was before, not being able to talk to others like I did now, not having the other relationships I dared take a risk on to nurture. Not being as confident.
The friendship I have had with this person has continues to go up and down. I am sad to say that now it is on a down. And it's my fault. People on the outside can place most or at least half the blame on my friend, but the truth, because of what I know, it's my fault. And I can't say sorry because those are just words, very empty words at times. But I do not know what to say to this person, except that I wish. I WISH that you knew what you really have done for me. This is only part of my view. But you have been in many ways, believe me or not, the hand of the Lord shaping me to who I need to be and teaching me what I should be learning right now, maybe not from books, but about being a person. Remarkable and Amazing don't even begin to describe how much I know you are. I pray for you. Much love, to you, dear friend, I send for you.
"Who can say that I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you, I have been changed for good." -Wicked
