Hi, my name is Kimberlee, and I am fighting the ability to wake up in the morning. I am fighting for the will to take care of myself on the outside to help me feel good on the inside, and I am fighting the ability to see what others see about the person I am inside. I am fighting to like myself. I am fighting to be what I can be and do something productive every day. I am fighting to make my mind feel light and know that I am really doing what I can.
I am fighting for the opportunity to feel sad. I am fighting for the chance to feel happy, angry, excited. I am fighting for ability to cry. I am fighting to not feel constant guilt about everything I do, everything I say. I am fighting to taste food, and for it to taste good. I am fighting to be able to feel warm, to not feel restless. I am fighting to have a balanced life.
I am fighting to feel passion in my life. I am fighting so I can care about something. I am fighting to find satisfaction in my work and things I accomplish. I am fighting to be able to focus and concentrate. I am fighting to be able to remember things that I read, things I am taught. I am fighting to be able to remember what I did two days ago, even yesterday or earlier this morning without needing to think hard about it for at least five minutes.
I am fighting daily headaches, muscle aches, back aches. I am fighting the ugly, physical, and painful feeling that I can even feel inside my head, in my mind. I am fighting to not feel the desire to throw up every day. I am fighting to not have thoughts of wanting pain. I am fighting so I can know that I have a chance, that I have a life and a future, and that it matters.
I am fighting those who don't understand and don't care to. I am fighting the misconception that I'm only fighting perpetual sadness. I'm fighting those who look at me and say, "Buck up! You're only putting this on yourself. Take a pill and get over it," or, "The only thing you need to do is read your scriptures and pray and go to church and all of your problems will go away," or, "I know how you feel, and this is what I did to overcome it. Why haven't you found some way to overcome it?" I'm fighting the urge to deck those people in the face then and there. Believe me, I would. And I could.
I'm fighting those who feel like they need to feel sorry for me, to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. I am fighting for the simple concept of a true friendship, for people who love me for everything that I am and aren't scared or freaked out. I'm fighting because I want to be treated like a person, not a disease.
I am fighting the ability to take action that works. I'm fighting the feeling of knowing exactly what's wrong, when it's getting worse, but still not being able to do anything about it. I am fighting the knowledge that this pain I feel isn't going to go away in a few hours, a few days, a few weeks. I am fighting the feeling of ultimate hopelessness and despair.
I am fighting to feel love, not to just have a knowledge it exists. I am fighting to want to do good things, right things. I am fighting for the chance to feel the Spirit of God like I used to.
Hi, my name is Kimberlee. I am fighting severe depression and anxiety disorder.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
A young old prude.
Why am I so serious?
Because I believe in respect for others.
It really bothered me in high school when students would refer to teachers only by their last name. I was taught and still believe that I should address all my superiors and acquaintanced by their correct titles unless instructed otherwise. In cases where this kind of respect is not present, I have observed that there is a lack of structure and discipline and the opportunity to learn or gain something from this individual is compromised.
Because I trust people.
I believe that every person on Earth has a piece of God inside of them. People are born that way; they just left His presence. I find it extremely disappointing to hear of and see people using their agency given by Him to make poor decisions. For this reason, I use my agency to do my best to judge righteously and choose carefully those with whom I associate. Recently I have found that I need to be more cautious still. I don't lie and I want people to trust me, so I do what I can to extend the same courtesy.
Because I believe in people.
Again with number two: God is in everyone and everything. The potential of any given human being is truly unlimited, but restricted only by one's self. If one person takes a stand, there is almost a complete surety that someone else feels the same way. Often the only thing needed is courage. Fear not.
Because I love my family.
I have had no greater friends, no greater support system than my family. I could not trade any given moment good or bad that we have experienced together, because I know that it is those things that have made me the person that I am. Noted, I do wish many times that some lessons I could have learned differently, but I didn't, and those are often the most important lessons.
Because I love my Heavenly Father.
Simply put, He gives me everything. Not one thing done, not one smile smiled, not one tear shed, not one breathtaking moment felt is without Him. To hear those that defend Him be disrespected is to me, well.... beyond words of disgusting.
We are extremely blessed witht the ability to feel and have emotion. Not one person thinks the same way, not one person feels the same way even in exact same environmental conditions and replicated situations. Just because you feel that something is not important does not mean that it should be discarded. Nor must you hold yourself of higher dignity because you take something more serious than someone else. These are just pieces of me. Other pieces include the fact that I love spontanaety, I love to sing, to dance, to smile, and to simply enjoy another friend's company. I love to live and experience all that I can because my life here is but a small moment.
Because I believe in respect for others.
It really bothered me in high school when students would refer to teachers only by their last name. I was taught and still believe that I should address all my superiors and acquaintanced by their correct titles unless instructed otherwise. In cases where this kind of respect is not present, I have observed that there is a lack of structure and discipline and the opportunity to learn or gain something from this individual is compromised.
Because I trust people.
I believe that every person on Earth has a piece of God inside of them. People are born that way; they just left His presence. I find it extremely disappointing to hear of and see people using their agency given by Him to make poor decisions. For this reason, I use my agency to do my best to judge righteously and choose carefully those with whom I associate. Recently I have found that I need to be more cautious still. I don't lie and I want people to trust me, so I do what I can to extend the same courtesy.
Because I believe in people.
Again with number two: God is in everyone and everything. The potential of any given human being is truly unlimited, but restricted only by one's self. If one person takes a stand, there is almost a complete surety that someone else feels the same way. Often the only thing needed is courage. Fear not.
Because I love my family.
I have had no greater friends, no greater support system than my family. I could not trade any given moment good or bad that we have experienced together, because I know that it is those things that have made me the person that I am. Noted, I do wish many times that some lessons I could have learned differently, but I didn't, and those are often the most important lessons.
Because I love my Heavenly Father.
Simply put, He gives me everything. Not one thing done, not one smile smiled, not one tear shed, not one breathtaking moment felt is without Him. To hear those that defend Him be disrespected is to me, well.... beyond words of disgusting.
We are extremely blessed witht the ability to feel and have emotion. Not one person thinks the same way, not one person feels the same way even in exact same environmental conditions and replicated situations. Just because you feel that something is not important does not mean that it should be discarded. Nor must you hold yourself of higher dignity because you take something more serious than someone else. These are just pieces of me. Other pieces include the fact that I love spontanaety, I love to sing, to dance, to smile, and to simply enjoy another friend's company. I love to live and experience all that I can because my life here is but a small moment.
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